Do you tend to just jump right in to solving your partners problems as soon as you hear them, and then wonder why they get upset with you when all you are trying to do is be helpful?  Frustrating right?  If this is you the chances are you are a man, or the go-to problem solver type.

As a generalisation women tend to respond to a problem by turning to their friends, and sharing the problem.  The experience of the other person getting them and responding with understanding and empathy has a connecting and calming effect that’s facilitated by the production of feel-good chemicals in the brain such as oxytocin.  This calming effect reinforces connection in the face of a problem.

A majority of men on the other hand tend to respond to a problem as if it were a threat, something to be repelled or avoided rather than an opportunity for connection.  When we experience a real or perceived threat we get a shot of adrenaline, which is a fight or flight activator and pushes us towards action rather than connection or curiosity.  So we want to jump right in and solve the problem, but in doing this our partners are left feeling unseen and disconnected.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes our partners don’t just want us to listen.  Sometimes they would like some kind of help or advice, but you will be in a much better place to offer what’s needed or ask about that after you have really tuned in to them and got what it is they are experiencing.

Ask your partner to use the phrase “Its not about the nail…..” next time you are missing them, and the chance to connect, by being unhelpfully helpful.

Check out this great video to see this in action.